COVID-19 Resurfaced the Impostor Syndrome
Just when I thought I was done with dealing with the impostor syndrome (are we ever really done addressing this, really?), COVID-19 happened. Now, my team and I work remotely. Though there are many benefits to this, there are also many challenges. The following is a brief reflection on what COVID-19 and working remotely has felt for me, a Latino professional in higher education.
Proving Myself (Again)
I have previously written about my journey towards fully stepping in, embracing my ethnic and cultural identity, and addressing the infamous impostor syndrome (See Why I Wear a Suit Everyday).
In the same way that I used to hide behind a suit, I am finding myself hiding behind the mantle of productivity. It feels like I am consistently negotiating my worth through the work that I am putting out. It is easy to balance the feeling and being of productivity in a traditional face-to-face environment. However, doing this remotely is a challenge. If you have not thought about this – past or present – it may be an indication that you do not wrestle with the impostor syndrome, at least to the degree that some of us do. I think about this often, very often.
In the same way that I used to hide behind a suit, I am finding myself hiding behind the mantle of productivity.
Therefore, I face the temptation to overwork and compromise my work/life balance for the sake of proving myself through my work. The logic behind this is that the more work I output, the fewer chances exist of being perceived as someone that is lazy, not productive, or taking advantage of the situation (popular and erroneous stereotypes against the LatinX community).
My Home “Office”
I can count on one hand the number of colleagues I have invited into my home. There are many reasons for this. In this season of working remotely, it seems that everyone has been “invited” into my home, virtually of course. Two specific challenges I face are:
Conference Cameo
The thought of my daughter appearing as a cameo during conference meetings is terrifying for someone that prides themselves on his professionalism. Yes, I am talking about myself. But it is not just about professionalism.
There is also the fear that if this happens, it will affirm the perceptions I think people may have about me. (Yes, these are my own presuppositions, which is the problem with the impostor syndrome). Thoughts such as “Do they think I am not working when I am not in meetings” come up. I also ask if they may at one point or another ask themselves “How does he get work done when he has to also take care of his daughter” often permeate my mind.
There is also the fear that if this happens, it will affirm the perceptions I think people may have about me.
I have seen this happen to others during this season. However, I do not perceive the same level of fear in their eyes when this happens. It has personally seemed as though they have been very comfortable with this happening.
The Power of Perception
To video or no not video? That is the question. I ask myself this quite often. It is starting to feel like an existential question. Why? Here is one reason: perception.
It is inevitable that judgments (excuse my cynicism) will be made based on what we see on the screen. At the very minimum, observations will be made. Sometimes my daughter decides to have a full-blown Trolls or Frozen party inside the house. Hence, I resort to the front porch or the garage as my meeting space. When this happens, I am hesitant to turn on my video. I do not want people to think I am not working or that I was doing something else before. Or worse, what if they judge (okay, make observations) about what I do or do not have? Yes, I also struggle with comparison – this colleague or that colleague has a home office and I don’t.
It is inevitable that judgments (excuse my cynicism) will be made based on what we see on the screen. At the very minimum, observations will be made.
Adjusting
Like most first-generation college students and first-generation professionals, I am still arduously working to “catch up” with those who have had a “head start” in life. By this, I mean that my life continues to be affected by the social, cultural, and economic challenges that most minorities experience on this journey. But, what does this have to do with COVID-19 and the impostor syndrome? To put it simply, it is a matter of experience.
my life continues to be affected by the social, cultural, and economic challenges that most minorities experience on this journey.
Adjusting to this “new normal” has not been without challenges for my family. My wife and I are both in school. My wife is what higher education has categorized as a post-traditional student. She is a wife, a mother, and is above the traditional undergraduate age of 18-22. This means my transition to working remotely now includes juggling between her school schedule and my work schedule, tag-teaming caring for our 3-year-old, finding time for self-care, finding time for my own school work, and engaging all the menial tasks required to upkeep a home on a daily basis.
Words of Encouragement
If your experience is anything like mine, you are in need of encouragement and affirmation. Here are a few things that have helped me:
Extend Grace to Yourself: Come to grips with the reality that you have a new normal. You cannot hold yourself to the same expectations as you once did. Be okay with the difference in performance, achievement, and engagement you are experiencing. It is normal that productivity, achievement, and engagement feel different during this season.
Do Not Compare: Acknowledge and embrace where you are in this journey. Everyone is at different points in the journey. Some may be further out and others are further behind. Put simply, you are where you are and that is okay. Honor where you are today.
Remember: We often forget to take a moment to look back and acknowledge the journey and the growth we have experienced. Part of the benefit of remembering is that we may be reminded of the affirmation we received when we stepped into our current roles. Let’s remember that feeling. Let’s remember that experience.
Celebrate all Wins: I am a big proponent of celebrating our wins, no matter how small or major they may be. Celebrating wins is a proactive approach for addressing the impostor syndrome that is actively creeping in during this season. Regardless of the challenges we are facing, I am sure we are doing things worth celebrating.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the season we are in with COVID-19 may be creating situations that resurface the challenges brought about by the impostor syndrome. Though we may have learned to address it in the traditional face-to-face context, we must find ways to now address it amidst this new normal we are living through. It demands intentionality. It will take sensitivity and a healthy dose of self-awareness. It will require vulnerability to acknowledge that it is present. It necessitates courage to address it. You are not alone.